Planet X Mini Glow Golf - Saugus, MA
EXECUTIVE SUMMARY
Score: 48/100
Would we play this course again? No.
Should you play this course? No.
The Takeaway: If you’re looking for good mini golf you’ll want to aim your spacecraft towards another planet. Planet X is a dark and confusing alien world habitable to human life for only short periods of time. There are few positives about this course located inside the Square One Mall galaxy. Consider visiting Planet X only if Earth has been destroyed and taken every existing miniature golf course with it. Otherwise stay at home and hug your children tight. In a universe in which only this place and Monster Mini Golf exist, we’d probably take up competitive badminton or guinea pig breeding.
The 5th hole at Planet X Mini Glow Golf
TECHNICAL REVIEW
Planet X Mini Glow Golf is an 18-hole indoor mini golf course located in the Square One Mall on Route 1 in Saugus. Use the entrance closest to Macy’s and you’ll find it located diagonally across from LensCrafters, near a bank of gumball machines. If you’re lost just scan the horizon for the astronaut standing tall near the entrance (disappointingly this is easily the best prop that Planet X possesses and it’s not even part of the mini golf course).
The entrance to Planet X Mini Glow Golf
When you walk into this dimly lit room the size of an average AT&T store (which coincidentally happens to be located directly across from Planet X), you’ll find it is approximately as underwhelming as you thought it would be. Surfaces are covered in neon paint and lights, music booms over the speakers, and there is an assortment of 2x4 constructed holes scattered around the space. These holes have brightly painted borders, are shaped like tetris blocks, and tend towards a length of 15 to 20 feet from tee to cup. It’s safe to say this is the only course we have played to date that can be packed up in a U-Haul and moved within an hour.
The theme at Planet X is outer space, although no one could be criticized if they didn’t notice; there is some mixed messaging. For example, a poster of Muhammad Ali hangs on the wall next to a painting of the universe. It is a quality poster, but it’s unclear how it fits in. Planet X also attempts a “through the decades” theme with signs at certain holes saying, “THE 70’s” and “THE 80’s”, but we could not figure out how exactly these decades were applicable the holes and/or space. The best we could come up with is that maybe the color blue is a more of an 80’s color, while red is more of a 70’s color. We couldn’t agree on this though. You’ll be better served on Planet X by not seeking understanding, only acceptance of what is. Perhaps Planet X is operating on a fundamentally separate plane of consciousness, and is capable of teaching us all a lesson…if we’re willing to listen. Or maybe they’re winging it.
There are positives though. The course and room was clean enough, easy to navigate (we were the only ones in there), and had enough artwork on the wall and different lighting conditions to keep your retinas firing. These reviewers do have a soft spot for courses that have windmills, and Planet X has an (alien) windmill. Which implies that Planet X has wind, and therefore weather, which may be a tremendous scientific discovery.
Some additional aspects are nice as well. For starters, the greens are flat. The raised wooden platforms that the holes are built from provide enough level support so that the putts you hit generally travel in the direction you aim. This is not a given at courses, and it was a refreshing change of pace to be able to putt in predictable, straight lines and focus on the technical fundamentals of putting (not that we have a clue what these are). Playing this course did net a few hole-in-ones which had a positive effect on this Mass Mini Golf duo’s collective mental health and helped prop up our dwindling mini golf confidence.
Our hats go off to the understandably bored-out-his-mind staff member working here who was nice enough and probably would have let us putt all day without any extra cost (according to the their website your $10 admission fee includes up to three trips around the course, which is in our opinion two more than needed).
Regarding the course, about a dozen of the holes are slightly different variations of hitting your ball in a straight line with a minor obstacle to go under or barely avoid. There are some deviations from this formula: on some holes you had to bounce it off an angled board (or two) towards the hole. A couple holes make use of multi-tiered play and secondary holes. These felt exciting at the time, if only because they were being measured against the mundane.
There is not more hole variation worth talking about, aside from the plinko-esque final hole (not really a true hole, but whatever—in any case none of use landed in the bonus hole though one of us came very close; we asked what the reward was but the answer was either entirely forgettable or unintelligible over the music and not warranting follow-up…we think it was one of the toys from the buckets positioned on the front desk like something you’d buy with arcade tickets).
At the end of the day, nothing dampens expectations like being inside a mall in 2022, so we are inclined to give this whole place a pass, adopt the tacit implied Planet X philosophy and just accept what is without asking too many goddamn questions. This is a place that exists, and intrepid intergalactic explorers that we are, we went there. Just don’t ask us to go back.
APPENDIX
Planet X Mini Glow Golf is well-designed to keep today’s youth and their parent’s cash occupied while that parent screams at an AT&T employee across the hall, or to provide a quick emergency distraction from some terrible family tragedy (e.g. Dad is not coming back from that trip to get cigarettes). For us to grade this course too seriously would be unnecessarily harsh and mean-spirited and (mostly) not what we’re about. For $10 per round (or up to three rounds if you wish), it’s hard to recommend going out of your way to putt here. But if you stumbled upon it one bland day give it a shot, especially if the alternative is meandering aimlessly around Macy’s.
In fairness, Planet X does not try to be more than it is and should be treated as an opportunity to test if you can actually putt in as straight a line as you think you can. If it’s the middle of January and you’re going out of your mind like Jack Torrance in The Shining and you simply have to get a couple hours of putting practice in, this might not be a bad spot. Put down the axe, bring some earplugs or your own earbuds so you can dial in your preferred music, and putt away.
To be frank, Google reviews for this place are not kind. At all. And while we generally don’t read reviews before or after playing a course (we want to go in with a fresh perspective), there were only three reviews for this place that came up when looking for directions on Google Maps, and it was hard to resist taking a look. Brevity is the soul of wit and yet we dragged you through a 1,000-word essay on this place. Meanwhile, Andres went for it in two*.
Two word Google review
*Fans of Spinal Tap may recall a certain two word review of their “Shark Sandwich” album, simply: “Shit Sandwich.”